Who am I not to be AMAZING!?!

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

-Marianne Williamson

I first heard this quote back in high school.  One of my dearest friends and mentor read it to the whole cross country team.  At the time I remember thinking it was touching, inspiring, somehow supposed to make us run faster, blah blah blah; definitely not life changing.  Somewhere deep inside me, though, it must have struck a chord, because I've remembered it all these years.

 A few weeks ago, I skipped a yoga practice I had planned on doing.  Immediately feelings of guilt and regret popped up.  Those feelings, however, are just reactionary.  What are the deeper emotions at play here?  I dug a little deeper and came up with: I was worried and scared about being too tired.  I justified those thoughts with a decision to take a break which led me to the guilt and regret feelings.  If I truly needed the break, and truly believed I needed it, then why the guilt and regret?  I had to dig deeper.  And when I did, I realized my fear of greatness, just as Marianne Williamson put it.

What is so scary about being great?

A few times in my life people have tried to describe me as a perfectionist.  That has never sat well with me.  I am not a perfectionist.  I don't want to be perfect.  In fact I work hard to never work towards being perfect.  Why? I am afraid of greatness.

If I try my hardest, more will be expected of me.  Perfection is something no one will ever achieve.  But the more I work towards it, the more responsibilities and work there will be.  I know that if I want to be the best yogi I can be, then I will have to practice more, dedicate myself more, study more, examine my life more, change more.  That's a lot!  Plus, the work will never be done!

It is like practicing asana.  The practice is never "over."  A pose is never "finished."  There's always more to discover and learn.  Then the body or the mind changes opening up doors to more discovery and learning. This realization for me has come from practicing asana.  It has challenged me to explore this pattern of fear in my life.  All my life I have been pretty mediocre.  I am good, not great, at a lot of things.  Sure, there's plenty of potential there, but fear has been habitually shooting me in the foot.

My decision to leave nursing school unfinished is a great example.  I was doing great in school; I loved learning; I was excelling.  Someone said I could go farther, become a nurse practitioner.  Someone else said I go even farther, become a doctor.  I got scared!  How much work would I have to do?  What if I failed?  Who would I be letting down?  How much would I have to study?  What if someone was better than me?  All these worry thoughts were my saboteurs.  I never studied, yet I was always there to help my friends study and excel.  I tried to make others great so that I'd feel great.  Truth is, I didn't feel great, and I eventually gave up the medical field dream.  I made up excuses and reasons to justify not reaching for my potential.  I said, "I am sick," "It is too expensive," "I don't deal well with stress," etc.  My rationalizations were so believable that it it's taken me years to discover that fear kept me from even trying.

One more example:  I have always been good at art, just never great.  When my sister was alive I stayed away from artistic things because it was her talent. Plus she always seemed better at it than me.  I began to discover my own artistic abilities and was in love with art.  Then the fear crept in.  I was afraid of making my sister feel small by outshining her.  I was afraid of doing the work only to have it rejected.  I was afraid of critique and judgment.  I was afraid of the focus and time I would have to dedicate to art.  Now-a-days I hardly do any art.  I miss it.

What is the moral of the story?  Start breaking the fear habit.  I practice moving towards what is uncomfortable in my yoga practice.  As I do so, I gain the courage and confidence to move towards the uncomfortable in my own life.  Worry thoughts, fears of judgment, and expectations, will always be there; I just do not want them dictating my life anymore!

When I feel weak and powerless against the fear, I have started saying to myself "Who am I not to be amazing."  When the fear gets really loud, I say it out loud.  I was born amazing.  So my life is going to reflect just how amazing I am.

What is fear keeping you from doing?